On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Randomize
