a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
