I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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