Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
