The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
im having a threesome with these popsicles
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
