Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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