Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
