Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
