Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
