I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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