Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
