shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
