The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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