respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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