There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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