new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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