my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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