I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
