I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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