Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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