so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
