mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
