apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
