i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
