i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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