Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
