You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
