I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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