Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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