How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sext me about skeletons
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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