I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
