There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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