you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
