they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
