You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
