a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
This is the high leading the old right now
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
