Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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