I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
