god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She even gives head with a lisp.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
