So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
