Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
