Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
