I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
