He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
