After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I've blown a few things in my day
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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