Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
