i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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