my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
