is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
where am i from again
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
