Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
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