I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Terrible idea I love it
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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